Diary: Happiness, Life, Depression.

play this song pls.

its been a while since i felt this mixed feeling of Happiness and Lonesomeness, it's hurtful but comforting at the same time.

After a long day, Our home feels like empty again. I head to my room, go to bed, forcing myself to sleep.. which is impossible because Apocalypse is going thru my head, Seriously..

it all started after a conversation with a person whom i met in the most awkward way. yeah "Awkward". Our conversation went to serious, to funny, to bees. Bees? yeah I know, right? We talked about our problems in our life, goals and bees.. LOL!! it was really fun talking to that person, i'm genuinely happy. It's been far too long i had this serious kind of conversation. I ended our conversation with smile in my face.

I felt happy, i felt there's nothing wrong about me then suddenly there's an unexplainable
 feeling starts to shroud my whole body.  

As i head to my bed, i feel so really uncomfortable, my suppressed emotion that i have been keeping all this years began to show up, All the pain, sadness and misery that i have been hiding with smiles and laughter resurface like a tsunami and made a gush of tears in my eyes without noticing.

Apocalypse is happening in my brain. Questions starts flooding my head, Pain started occupying my chest. I need help. Anyone? Friends? most of them left when i choose my ex over them, some chooses money over friendship.. Best friends? close friends? They are all busy with their life and i don't wanna be a burden to them, they got priorities now unlike before. Family? I can't. i need to maintain this strong manly persona, if they find me like this how can i prove myself to them?

I'm really fucked up. covered myself in a blanket, crying. self pitying. Asking myself. am i really this weak? am i depressed for a long time now, or just lonely? why life had to be this way? am i starting to get crazy? did i waste my time all this years? where did i lost track of my goals in life? why all this fucking questions suddenly emerging in my head? i really fucking hate myself right now.


Please brain and heart, i'm begging, this has to stop. it's hurts so much.


tears dried up. Me, just staring the ceiling. bit calmed.. contemplating on what happened.
asking myself "Why now?, why not sooner?.. Am i just deceiving myself all these years? what about those periods in my life that i feel happy and outgoing, successful and accomplished.. is that all a joke? am i depressed? Questions after questions after questions, it's so tiring. moving an inch feels so exhausting.

I need to calm down. help? suddenly there's a knock on my door.. it's my pet dog Joker, Sensing that there's something wrong about me. Dog's unconditional love surely helps me calmed down, It feels like my dad is beside me comforting me, asking me if there's something wrong my son?. believe it or not. i'm talking to my pet dog. venting out my frustrations, asking guidance on how will i surpass this feeling.

after that a huge load of pain was gone on my chest. still feels heavy, but more tolerable. expressing your feelings to someone surely helps a lot, sure thing.. and it tends to be my pet dog. Thanks Joker xoxoxo

my mind seemed to settle down. i can think much straighter now. finding ways to uplift my mood more. i remember what my dad always says to me, if i'm feeling down, think of memories that i'm sure having fun. Bad memories?, replace them with happy ones. seems simple right? yup it's simple, it's just when your emotion take over yourself and clouds your rational thinking, that's the time you will go insane and forget how to think clearly.

so i'm thinking what recent happy memories i experienced. Then this person pops in my head. The person whom i awkwardly met, 5'7" which i named "insert your name here", who's constantly teasing me a lot lately. the one who influence me in EDM and lastly a friend whom i know i will treasure forever.

I grabbed my phone, read our first conversation till to the last. and yeah. I'm smiling again. I'm laughing my ass off reading the simplest jokes, the weird but funny words that person invented, conversing thru voice notes which is really funny. I'm really easy to please.... Huhuhu. and yes I'm cheerful again.

after all the reading and laughing, the bad vibes around me seems to go away.

I'm thinking what triggers me this breakdown? am i sick? depressed? or just plain crazy?.
with all of that. I realized my mistake was, after all these years, i put aside all my problems, sadness, misery, guilt, regrets, depression and emotion. Not thinking i'm making a big bomb inside of me that any moment can explode without notice.

this breakdown reminds me that i'm human after all. life is full of up and downs, and today was the down movement of it, life is not all about happiness, sometimes your body and soul wants to remind you a pain that you need to endure to move forward in your life.

Things are all good now :) I Hope.. Happy New Year!!

See you..