Diary: How we parted ways...

I got this friend of mine who just came back from United States, She's visiting Philippines for a week and she wants to meet our former group in college. She's throwing a treat at us, so she's insisting that everyone should be present on the given date. We had this group chat in an app, she told us that this Friday we should meet up before she went to United States again. She want to catch up on what's happening in our lives.

Friday comes.. She's so excited that she's early in the venue and she fears no one will show up. It's a little funny though because she messaged us every freaking minute asking us where we at or she will beat every one of us if no one comes to the venue where we would meet up. Gosh she never changed. I remembered our college days, she's like the alarm clock in our group. She's the one waking us up, texting, calling and reminding us we shouldn't be late in our duty or she would beat us up. She's so annoying but in a good way.. LOL 😂.  oh by the way... We're Nursing students at that time just to add.

Anyway, I'm the second one who shows up in the venue. obviously she's the first. As i walk towards her, there's this presence i feel she will nag on me, how she's waiting for a century there, and yes i'm absolutely correct. As i approached her she started talking non stop telling me i was late. Her reaction was so funny i couldn't contain myself and i laugh very hard. I told her after how many years you still haven't changed a bit. Before i sit, she introduced me to her husband and her two sisters. I introduced myself and made an apology for being late. Her husband told me it was okay, her wife was just exaggerating. they were like 10 minutes waiting there so no apologies needed. I laugh so hard again and told her husband she was just like that when we're still on college days. Her husband left us with her two sisters because they will go shopping and wants her wife to have a quality time with our group.

So it's just me and my annoying friend 😆 First thing she asked me is "how's life? is everything good? you look thinner my friend!? how's tita and your dogs?". I told her "everything was good, been busy with life lately, and mom's good and my dogs is still cute as ever". She added "how about your lovelife? doing well?" I answered "would you believe me if i say i haven't gotten in to a relationship since me and my ex broke up?". She was a bit shocked on my answer, asked me "why my friend? have you lost interest in relationships? or your'e planning being a priest?". I answered "of course i'm still interested being committed but now i'm having fun enjoying myself" i laugh on the priest part though 😂. She added "so is there a special someone my friend?". I answered "Yes, there is".

She's insisting/forcing me to describe this special someone of mine, on how we met, how she became special to me. I give her a brief details about my special someone but not all, i told her if everything is all good. i will properly introduce her, but now isn't the right time, there are some situations that needs to be fixed. So the insisting part stops. She grabbed her phone and she shows me something.. it was an email letter dated back 2012. an email letter that i already forgotten.. an email letter that explains how we parted ways..

had to edit our email and name for privacy :)

I asked her why she have that email letter. She told me that when she wanted to ask how's me and my ex doing back then, i email her that letter to explain what happened. She told me when she read about that letter a lot of question she want to ask me but haven't got time to ask because she was about to go to United States that time. So she just save that email letter in her archive and will ask me later but she totally forgot it. So this email is sitting in her email archive for 5 years already.

I did explain to her everything what happened. How things didn't go well for us, How anticlimactic on how we broke up and How things went after that. She told me she thought were gonna end up tying the knot, how perfect our relationship back then. I just said "Nope, there is no such thing is perfect, change is one of the only permanent thing in this world, if you cannot cope up with it, no matter the foundation you built it will still crumble". I told my friend that even though things didn't work for us, i'm thankful enough to experience those kind of things, it made me stronger and more mature on how i perceive things in life.

After that heart to heart talk with my friend, our other friends finally came.. And yes i had to explain everything again to them because same questions were asked about me LOL 😂😂

I'm very much happy with my life right now, i don't have any regrets with my past relationship, rather i'm more thankful because i realized that there's more life than to love.

P.S.
To my special someone.. if you ever read this. i'm very blessed that i have you right now 💓

P.S.S.
Your'e still my Princess 💓


See you ^-^ 🙇









 

Diary: In the nicest way possible PART 2

(play this song for feels)

Next day comes, Morning has come and as i opened my eyes, my mind recalled what happened late last night. I checked my phone and read our earlier conversation, as i read her replies, it all sinks in to me now. She dumped me in the nicest way possible and puts me in the zone which all male species hates, the "Friendzone". yes my friends i'm just a friend to her.

Blankly staring my room's ceiling and still awed to the fact that i'm in the friendzone.

I hate myself.. well just a little. i assume things easily that there's something between us but in reality i'm the only one feeling it. well there's nothing i can do about it now. i already told her, it was my decision to go "YOLO". I get up on my bed like nothing happened but deep inside i know my heart is broken, but the weird part is i feel no pain. i should felt dejected to the certainty that she can't reciprocate my feelings towards her. i feel weird.

While doing my morning routine i get a message from her, saying sorry because she fall asleep last night and didn't reply on my message. i told her it was all good and i understand so no worries. She told me she's going out with her bestfriend, They want to go to Binondo and visits the Chinatown there to stroll and eat some chinese delicacies. She asked me if i know the way there because she and her bestfriend had no idea. I've been there few times so i know the place so i told them how to get there.

She asked me if i want to come with them because she feels scared that she and her bestfriend might get lost on the way there. Without hesitation.. of course i said "Yes".

I had errands to do so i told her that i will be a little late.

On my way to the meeting place, i don't know why but i feel excited and eager to see her despite she "Friendzoned" me. Okay it's not the right time to think about this things, i need to ninja'ed my way there beacuse i'm really late. It took me a while reaching the meeting place because i had to walk a long way there.

As i walk towards them, i caught them fooling around putting make up, for me it was a little funny though, She introduced me to her bestfriend and i introduced myself. Her bestfriend is cool, jolly, funny, entertaining and a little bit crazy, she's fun to be with.

So after meeting them, i guided them going to Chinatown. They are having fun while strolling the streets. Taking instagram-worthy pictures, goofing around, having fun and exploring the city with smiles in their faces. We ate at a chinese restaurant and believe me they ordered so much food like it was The Last Supper. We also went to a chinese candy store where they sell authentic chinese made candies. The owner of the store gave us a free sample to taste. it was a Ginger type of candy and God it was unpleasant tasting it. After the candy store, we went to a cafe. we chilled there for a while, sip some coffee and relax ourselves.

After the cafe, we went to a mall, they bought some things and stroll for a little bit and take pictures. After the mall we head to Quiapo Church to ask for grace. For me it was kinda memorable, Why because it was the first time i held hands with her, Uhmm while singing for grace of course. LOL.
After the Church, it's time to go home because its getting late already.

When i got home, we still exchanged messages, she told me that she and her bestfriend are having make up session, she send me some videos of them doing make up and it was cool and funny though watching them goofing around.

In my room, i head to my bed and i remember the question to myself earlier. Why am i excited and eagerly to see her despite she dumped me and put me in the friendzone? Maybe because my feelings towards her still clings on my mind or maybe i still hope that someday she'll realize my sincere feeling towards her and she will give me a chance to proving it to her or maybe, maybe I haven't accepted the reality that i have no chance to her and my defense mechanism kicks in protecting my ego not getting hurt and leaves an impression of me being stupid or maybe, maybe, maybe I accepted the fact that were really are just friends and were just happy accompanying each other.

I'm still unsure why my feelings towards her still holds on. I guess i really fall deeply to her and i do really love her. With all those maybe's and what if's, I honestly feel I'm doing the right thing, just doing my best without any regrets.


For how long my affection towards her lasts?..
Time will tell...


See you...

Diary: In the nicest way possible PART 1

(play this song for feels)



Two days ago, it was a gloomy evening. I'm at my room, lying in my bed. thinking about things that i shouldn't be thinking but my scumbag brain keep insisting. So what am i thinking about? if i should tell the girl that i like if there something between us... The dilemma is real my friends.

It started when i was chatting with her that day, i was comforting her because she failed on one of her important examination. Just like any other person, she felt devastated and depressed. I'm giving her some words of encouragement to lift up her spirits, telling her that people failed so they can do better next time.

I'm at my bed, waiting for her replies. then out of the blue, I'm thinking about my feelings towards her. I'm asking myself if it is just an infatuation or there is something more than that. I really feel there something between us, something that can grow... something that makes my heart flutter, something they called "Love". I'm pretty sure to myself that i really like this girl. no question needed, that's how i felt. Then i suddenly told her that there's something i want to tell her.

At this moment i realize how stupid i am, Like what am i thinking? this isn't the right time to confess to her. She's still grieving on her exam. i don't want to be a burden or add more pressure on her, or sacrifice our friendship on this matter, This kind of things should be done face to face between both of us, not on this silly Chat app. Why?? Brain, why you do this to me. So I told her just ignore what i just have said, but she keep insisting, I really don't want to tell her how i feel, I'm not ready for her answer. But sadly in the end. i told her.

There is a saying "If you want it, Go for it. Take a risk, don't play it safe or you'll die wondering". Myself is split into two. One who's telling me don't say it and the other one who's telling me that i should tell her cause "YOLO". i did take risk and go "YOLO", i know it's lame to express my feelings thru text messages but oh well, YOLO.

I did tell her what i'm thinking. it was short and direct.. like "You know I've been thinking,  We've known each other for quite some time now, is there something between us? i want to be honest with you, i feel something". My hands was literally shaking asking that, I'm so nervous and excited at the same time waiting for her response. She'd replied in a lengthy message. it was real talk, I'm speechless. to summarize her response, she wasn't looking for a relationship yet, she said that she has other priorities rather than loving a partner. Her self esteem is still low to give love to others. She's still waiting for the perfect time to be in a relationship. she told me that maybe we have a lot something in common that's why i feel there's something between us. She's not feeling the same way. In short. I'm just a friend. nothing more, nothing less. I was dumped in the nicest way possible.

I'm speechless. really i am. i don't know what to say. it took me a while to gather my thoughts. i did respond to her saying that i apologized that these things should be told face to face, i respect her decision and that i'm happy when were together or when were talking non-stop. I honestly feel that there's something between us, i don't intend to expect something in return, i just want her to know what i feel and if there's a slightest chance that i can prove my feelings towards her, i'll do my best to prove it into actions.


She told me that i am free to date anyone if someone fits my criteria, were just friends and we are not dating so there should be no pressure between us. She told me also that she appreciates my feelings towards her. She has alot to say... i fully understand what she means, on what kind of situation she's having, on what she's feeling right now. I'm listening to every bit of her words. My mind could only agree on what she says. No pressure, be happy on what we have right now and lets just enjoy each others company.

My heart was broken but i feel no pain, am i weird?


The Next Day... To be continued :)


See you..

  

Diary: Happiness, Life, Depression.

play this song pls.

its been a while since i felt this mixed feeling of Happiness and Lonesomeness, it's hurtful but comforting at the same time.

After a long day, Our home feels like empty again. I head to my room, go to bed, forcing myself to sleep.. which is impossible because Apocalypse is going thru my head, Seriously..

it all started after a conversation with a person whom i met in the most awkward way. yeah "Awkward". Our conversation went to serious, to funny, to bees. Bees? yeah I know, right? We talked about our problems in our life, goals and bees.. LOL!! it was really fun talking to that person, i'm genuinely happy. It's been far too long i had this serious kind of conversation. I ended our conversation with smile in my face.

I felt happy, i felt there's nothing wrong about me then suddenly there's an unexplainable
 feeling starts to shroud my whole body.  

As i head to my bed, i feel so really uncomfortable, my suppressed emotion that i have been keeping all this years began to show up, All the pain, sadness and misery that i have been hiding with smiles and laughter resurface like a tsunami and made a gush of tears in my eyes without noticing.

Apocalypse is happening in my brain. Questions starts flooding my head, Pain started occupying my chest. I need help. Anyone? Friends? most of them left when i choose my ex over them, some chooses money over friendship.. Best friends? close friends? They are all busy with their life and i don't wanna be a burden to them, they got priorities now unlike before. Family? I can't. i need to maintain this strong manly persona, if they find me like this how can i prove myself to them?

I'm really fucked up. covered myself in a blanket, crying. self pitying. Asking myself. am i really this weak? am i depressed for a long time now, or just lonely? why life had to be this way? am i starting to get crazy? did i waste my time all this years? where did i lost track of my goals in life? why all this fucking questions suddenly emerging in my head? i really fucking hate myself right now.


Please brain and heart, i'm begging, this has to stop. it's hurts so much.


tears dried up. Me, just staring the ceiling. bit calmed.. contemplating on what happened.
asking myself "Why now?, why not sooner?.. Am i just deceiving myself all these years? what about those periods in my life that i feel happy and outgoing, successful and accomplished.. is that all a joke? am i depressed? Questions after questions after questions, it's so tiring. moving an inch feels so exhausting.

I need to calm down. help? suddenly there's a knock on my door.. it's my pet dog Joker, Sensing that there's something wrong about me. Dog's unconditional love surely helps me calmed down, It feels like my dad is beside me comforting me, asking me if there's something wrong my son?. believe it or not. i'm talking to my pet dog. venting out my frustrations, asking guidance on how will i surpass this feeling.

after that a huge load of pain was gone on my chest. still feels heavy, but more tolerable. expressing your feelings to someone surely helps a lot, sure thing.. and it tends to be my pet dog. Thanks Joker xoxoxo

my mind seemed to settle down. i can think much straighter now. finding ways to uplift my mood more. i remember what my dad always says to me, if i'm feeling down, think of memories that i'm sure having fun. Bad memories?, replace them with happy ones. seems simple right? yup it's simple, it's just when your emotion take over yourself and clouds your rational thinking, that's the time you will go insane and forget how to think clearly.

so i'm thinking what recent happy memories i experienced. Then this person pops in my head. The person whom i awkwardly met, 5'7" which i named "insert your name here", who's constantly teasing me a lot lately. the one who influence me in EDM and lastly a friend whom i know i will treasure forever.

I grabbed my phone, read our first conversation till to the last. and yeah. I'm smiling again. I'm laughing my ass off reading the simplest jokes, the weird but funny words that person invented, conversing thru voice notes which is really funny. I'm really easy to please.... Huhuhu. and yes I'm cheerful again.

after all the reading and laughing, the bad vibes around me seems to go away.

I'm thinking what triggers me this breakdown? am i sick? depressed? or just plain crazy?.
with all of that. I realized my mistake was, after all these years, i put aside all my problems, sadness, misery, guilt, regrets, depression and emotion. Not thinking i'm making a big bomb inside of me that any moment can explode without notice.

this breakdown reminds me that i'm human after all. life is full of up and downs, and today was the down movement of it, life is not all about happiness, sometimes your body and soul wants to remind you a pain that you need to endure to move forward in your life.

Things are all good now :) I Hope.. Happy New Year!!

See you..